Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
