Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
