Will you blow on my dice?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
