This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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