I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
