Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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