Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
