she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
