4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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