Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
