True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
