Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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