O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
