I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
