Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
