I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
