This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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