who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
