you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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