Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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