Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
