So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
