sorry about calling you the devil all night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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