they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
