Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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