i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
