i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
