Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
