Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
