Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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