Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
