either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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