I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize