Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
