found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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