I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
