he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
