I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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