6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This toilet bowl is my home.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
