he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
