life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
