If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
