If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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