I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
