I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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