I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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