Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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