I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
