Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
3pm strippers are depressing
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
