he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
