dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
