all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
