I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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