I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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