Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
